You're a winner in life. You've traveled a lot. You have a well-reasoned view of the meat industry and an impressive set of lifehaks from a hike in Burma. You can open a bottle of wine with your shoe and cut the sarong in half with just a cat. Your family thinks you're cool because you can make baklava from memory with only rainwater.
But there's always someone cooler than you. Sailors, for example. You'll never be as cool as a sailor. Here's a list of eight items that a sailor will rip you apart under a nut.
Perform parallel parking
I know, I know. You're the god of parallel parking. The word combination «of a three-way turn is» just not in your dictionary. Compared to a sailor, you're an amateur. Try reversing a fire engine without mirrors in a car wash. On the ground out of the water. During a thunderstorm. Did you get it? And sailors do it regularly. They call it mooring.
Walking straight through a drunk
The poker face you put on yourself is a farce. Everybody knows how much tequila you've had when you crawl to the tub, zigzagging like a sausage stuck in a pinball machine. Legs don't lie, unless you're a sailor. Life on the water gives a sailor a liquefying centre of gravity. The more liquid a sailor takes, the more straight he walks. In fact, if you see a sailor who's shaking, you know he should just buy a drink.
Instructing how to get from point, A to point B.
So, when you walk through the tree, take the right one. You walk past the school. Well, I think that's school. But maybe it's a prison or something. There'll be a road through a couple of blocks. I can't remember its name, just call me when you get there. Now, that's not a manual. It's a dangerous, illogical inference that makes people burn more fuel than they should while sitting in their cars. If everyone gave clear instructions, there'd be fewer holes in the ozone layer of the Earth. Sailors know that. They also know that unclear instructions can lead to death. Or worse, in Port Elizabeth.
Dress up in the weather.
Weather app, schmagoda app. Even the best of them resort to a bit of a coffee groundside fortune teller. The problem is, no one's ever made an app out of human bones. Sailors' bones start to whine and squeak long before the weather goes bad. The weather doesn't know about it yet, and a sailor is already pulling up a waterproof coat and Wellingtons. So if you want to always dress up by the weather, find a sailor and copy from him.
Sync by honeybunny
Admit it, the only reason you still haven't dared to try the bandage isn't because it's some kind of taboo, it's because you're not too good at handling ropes. Tying your girlfriend to the bed isn't the same as tying your shoelaces. It raises a safety issue. The combination of bad knots and slippery floors can be a disaster. Hardly anyone dreams of being near a blue corpse desperately trying to chew on a «baby-knot»when the police arrive. And you know who knows something about knots? Sailors. They could tie a wrestler with a birthday ribbon. And more importantly, they could untie him.
Staying awake all night.
Nightcap was the cornerstone of your higher education, but at some point you turned from a carefree midnight to a tired clerk. Now the only thing that burns in your home after midnight is the office that you set on fire in your dreams (the most enjoyable sleep story for an average «white collar»).
Neither caffeine nor the sound of a drum set with a cardan, nor general panic will make you wake up early. But the sailors are fed up with something more than a pinch of panic coffee. They are not allowed to close their eyes with fear of the unknown. The ocean is a capricious mistress, and just like the writers of the series Lost, the sailors do not know what will happen in the next moment. They're ready for any incident. And that requires awakening. All the time.
Let things take their course.
When something falls into the ocean, it disappears forever (unless you're James Cameron). The only thing you can do is forget about it and move on, muttering something deep down like it belongs to the ocean «now, buddy». At sea, if you don't know how to let go and «swim with the current», you'll drown. Sailors would make great psychologists.
To be committed to democratic principles
Just kidding! Sailors don't know what democracy is. On a boat, the captain is always right. Even if he's wrong.
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