Yacht guide: 5 obnoxious people you will encounter on board.

Yacht guide: 5 obnoxious people you will encounter on board.

At sea, no one will hear you scream, so choose the crew wisely.
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The editors of itBoat offer a translation of the Tatler article.

They may make your stay on the boat unbearable, but whoever is warned is armed. The important thing is that the five of them don't get together.

Sexual Captain

He's British, but you don't know exactly what part of the kingdom he's from. He's like Indiana Jones, only wearing a captain's hat, and his shoulders are wider. Looks like he only has two sets of clothes.

Most of the time he's wearing a white T-shirt and faded khaki shorts that sit on him like second skin.

In the evenings, he can be caught wearing a snow-white uniform in which he looks so alpha male that he overshadows even the majestic figure of a wealthy boat owner. His age cannot be determined: he can be given between 30 and 58.

One of his cheeks is decorated with a thin scar, which, as the other crew members feared, he got stabbed with an Indonesian pirate. At dinner, he is silent, but if he opens his mouth, he tells you the amazing thing: how to steer a ship, following seagulls, why you misunderstood the philosophy of Kierkegaard and how much better to beat a shark. In some cases he wears a mustache, but never a twisted hipster mustache with a hint of irony. «Yes, I know it's fashionable on land to ironize about mustaches now," he says, dreamily looking at the stars, "which is why I chose the sea». And the stars blink back as if they were hanging here just for him to look at. It's just like you. But unlike you, the stars probably noticed he was gay.

The Grozny Russian oligarch

Nobody knows how Sergey made money, but he definitely has a lot. Strangely enough, the pictures adorning the walls of the lounge show not his family, but the relatives of his business partner, whom no one has seen for a long time. Well, the one who had a blonde girlfriend suspiciously resembling the current girl Sergei himself. Rumor has it that the business partner sold Sergei a yacht about three months ago, and he disappeared somewhere between Easter Island and the Galapagos Islands.

Which is bewildering when you think of the fact that there is no other land in that area.

Sergei wears a yellow polo shirt and chinos and often puts a yellow sweater over his shoulders. This outfit is complemented by a massive diving watch, which partially justifies the presence of a large basket of loads at the stern, but does not explain the fact that some of these loads are attached to a pair of old boots. The XO has a black eye, which he avoids talking about. And Sergei himself throws wild parties every night, where men are twenty years older than women.

A bored 16-year-old rich heiress...

This boat has a swimming pool and a Cordon Bleu chef, and the azure waters around it are teeming with life, but all she wants to do is sit on a lounge chair and chat on Skype with her friends who have stayed home. She doesn't share her father's passion for knotting. One day he managed to persuade her to go deep-sea fishing. «Honey, it's biting!» - He screamed. «It was, like, a shark»," she washed back. While the crew dragged the caught fish aboard and killed her, while the blood that had flooded the deck was being washed, she stared indifferently at the installations at a picture of her Moscow friend's new false nails.

In the evening, when the chef solemnly presented her with the fillet of the same shark, she twisted her nose and asked to bring the salad.

Tomorrow their yacht will stop at a cozy small port, and their father will want their stepmother to be interested in visiting the local museum. But she knows that it is useless: only Carlos, an Argentinean sailor who rarely wears a shirt, can be interested in the heiress of man's millions. Tomorrow, instead of going to the museum, she will throw her iPhone in the water and order Carlos to dive in after him, and when he takes off his pants, she may finally start enjoying herself.

Evil chef.

The owner bought Gustav along with everything else, and now he regrets it, but is too scared to fire him and take another chef. Sometimes late at night, guests hear the galley scream. The louder the screams, the tastier the dinner, so no one gets involved.

Gustav hates boats.

A long time ago he was fired from the best hotel in London for vague reasons - he either molested the waitresses or fought with someone. That's how he got on the yacht.

A vegan had been on board for two years; Gustav had learned about it after he had prepared Chateaubriand steak for dinner. He took Chateaubriand to his kitchen and silently punched him until he turned it into minced meat.

Gustav hates vegans.

The only thing Gustav hates as much is ports, the sea, fish and all people. No one enters his kitchen without special permission. Occasionally, he goes up to the dining room and allows guests to honor him. And they glorify his culinary genius by looking at a hatchet sticking out of his waist.

A hopeless rookie.

This guy doesn't know what he's doing. Even his shoes aren't right. He calls the boat «a superyacht» and spends every morning with the captain trying to learn the difference between port and starboard. The limit of his dreams is to play with the big steering wheel, but he doesn't know how it works and he's shy to ask. Other crew members poking charts and maps up his nose all the time and asking for his opinion. Deep down, he's afraid they're just mocking him by slipping him a map of the wrong island, or maybe the surface of Mars at all.

In fact, he doesn't like the sea.

He likes the marina stops, which are full of girls who want to meet the boat owner.

Although wherever they stop, the local girls don't believe he owns the damn boat and think he's joking. Sometimes he thinks he should have listened to his mother and married his neighbor Valka - at least she has her own place.

A vivid example of a «hopeless rookie.»

Source: tatler.com

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