I'm not a sailor myself, and I don't rush to life in the ocean. I like too much to lie in the shade of trees and lazy to digest dinner. But recently I've had the opportunity to interact with yachtsmen and sailors who have participated in the Volvo Ocean Race. By the way, this is clearly not just a group of enthusiasts.
They are real brutal sailors, capable of chewing sandpaper in a vacuum pack and washing off sweat caught on the fly by a seagull.
They are people who have sailed around the world more than once and are ready to be in the ocean in any weather. In the sea, their talents are vital to survival, on land they can be simply superhuman.
You may not have missed half the world yourself. You have an arsenal of impressive tricks you've learned while traveling light in Burma. You can open a bottle of wine with your shoe and make a baklava from almost rainwater. But there's always someone better than you. And yes, there are sailors. Here are nine simple things they can do to get around you without much effort.
1. Parking parallel.
I know, I know. You're brilliant at the art of parallel parking. Perhaps you even deserve the title of «Best Driver of the Year». But you've never had words like «three-point turn»in your vocabulary. You're an amateur, and it's easy to see.
Try driving a fire truck without rearview mirrors into the car wash during a thunderstorm.
Sailors can easily do it in the water.
2. Go straight when you're drunk.
Your imperturbability on your face is a real farce. We know how many shots of tequila you've knocked over and how you've been trying to get to the bathroom. If you're not a sailor, you'll get your legs out.
Living on the water teaches you how to distribute your center of gravity.
The more liquid the sailors have, the straighter they go. Anyway, if you see a wobbly sailor, just buy him a drink.
3. The ambiguity of the expressions
Sailing terminology is an ocean full of metaphors, puns and double meanings. The reserve of ridiculous words in everyday life is simply inexhaustible. However, only land rats can laugh at words such as« cockpit».
4. Competently set the direction
«So turn right by the tree, then go to school, and maybe it's a prison. There's a road a few blocks from it. I can't remember its name, you better call me when you get»there. These aren't coordinates.
If people learned how to set precise directions, the hole in the ozone layer would definitely shrink.
Sailors know that, and they're not the only ones who burn fuel. They also know that vague directions in the ocean can lead to death. Or worse, in Port Elizabeth.
5. Dress up in the weather
Sailors can smell bad weather in their gut long before it spoils. If you don't know what to wear, just find a sailor and dress like him. Except for the epaulets. Never wear epaulets.
This is not a fiction. You definitely don't know how to handle ropes. Qualitatively and quickly tying a baby-knot is not the same as tying laces. There are nuances to it. Simple ignorance can easily lead to victims - try to explain it to the police later!
Sailors remember all the existing node options. They'd be able to bandage the wrestler with a festive ribbon. And, more importantly, untie it later.
7. Wake up at night.
A carefree wake-up late from your student days has not been in vain for you. The only thing that can now burn in your home after midnight is the office building in your sleep (statistically the most coveted dream of any proletariat).
Caffeine is powerless, and even a hardcore dram-n-base will not make you wake up. But sailors are awake to something stronger than caffeine: fear of the unknown. The ocean is a capricious master, and sailors, like the writers of «Lost», can't always anticipate what will happen in the next moment. They are ready for any surprise. And that requires awakening. All the time.
8. Let things take their course.
If something fell in the ocean, it went there forever (unless you're James Cameron). The only thing to do is to forget about it and move on, mumbling deeply: «Now it belongs to the ocean, man». At sea, if you don't learn to put up with it and let go, you'll drown. By the way, sailors would make great psychologists.
I'm just kidding. Sailors don't know what it is. On a boat, the captain is always right. Even when they're not.